The Paradox of Suffering
by Richard Spillman
In Romans 5:3 there is a statement that, to be honest, is
difficult to handle. Paul says “we rejoice in our sufferings,” with the clear
implication that we should all find joy in our pain. This might be easy to say
before any suffering begins. It might be easy to understand once the suffering
is over. But joy in the midst of suffering? I just don’t know. Perhaps it
depends on the level of suffering? Maybe
there is a way to dull the pain so joy can emerge? What does God want from us
when the pain runs so deep we can hardly breath?
These are questions that can’t be answered until you are
actually overwhelmed with suffering. Only then can you begin to search for some
spark of joy. Anyway that was how I came to find purpose in my suffering.
My mother trafficked me through most of my childhood. I was
repeatedly raped as a child, exposed to things no child should see, had any
sense of trust of anything or anybody shredded. It’s a pain I still carry with
me after all these years. The fact that I survived, I'm told by my therapists,
is a miracle. I should have ended up on drugs (never even tempted) or ended my
life (sad to say tempted). I didn't because God protected me. You see He had a
plan. I did pay a price - most of my childhood locked away in forgotten
memories that will stay there (I hope and pray they stay locked away. My
greatest fear is that I will remember), years of therapy, struggles at the
brink of death. But all the while, God was there.
Now here is the most important part … and he has redeemed
the experience. Giving me the grace to survive and have a relatively successful
life might be enough but He had even grander plans. Today, I often can tell
when someone has been sexually abused as a child. In those instances, and there
have been many of them, when a door opens for me to share my story one-on-one with
a victim the most frequent response I get is tears and a "I've never told
anyone this but ..." Much to my continuing surprise, God somehow uses me
to unblock lives that have struggled under the weight of an often unspoken
horror. Those are the times I glimpse a purpose in suffering. Those are the
times I find redemption for pain.
Given the chance to do it all over again would I choose this
path? No. Do I thank God for the experience when He uses me to help others?
Yes. Therein lies the paradox of suffering. One that I can't unravel but one
that I have found peace living with.
For me, the answer always lay in 2
Corinthians 1:3-4. "Praise be to the
God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God
of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort
those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." To become
an instrument of God’s mercy and compassion – that is the key to joy in my own
suffering.
God comforted me
and continues to do so and my joy comes from the gift to comfort others who at
one time lived in the depraved, distorted world of my youth.
So this is my
prayer: Lord, mold me into an instrument of your mercy. Let me minister to the
broken hearted. Let my pain melt into a river of compassion.
Richard
Spillman is a retired Computer Scientist who typically writes Christian
non-fiction (The Passion of Job and Do What Jesus Did both available on
Amazon) as well as a Christian blog (www.spillmanrichard.com). His latest passion,
however, is Christian fiction. His first novel, Awakened, is waiting for a publisher to pick it up. He is
represented by Jim Hart of Hartline Literary Agency. The story asks the
question: “What if Lazarus didn’t die a second time?” He was led to write it
after avoiding being kidnapped by ISIS in the Philippines, and then receiving
death threats (to behead him in standard ISIS fashion) during the rest of his
missionary service there. Besides the blog he is active on Twitter (https://twitter.com/awakenedtrilogy) and Instagram (http://ink361.com/app/users/ig-3176880720/spillmanrichard/photos) where you can see pictures from his missionary travels around the
world.
